Woman's Weekly

Well, we're back and we're kay-nakered. A long journey it is, from Scotland to London and return in just a few days. We've been to Moreen's funeral, which was a sad and tearful affair, but very loving. We shall all miss her so much.

Among all my family I wasn't looking forward to meeting my mum and my sister up close and personal. However, it was fine, we were polite. Mum went in the second car, with her remaining sister and brothers (Moreen was the eldest of seven) and my sister and I were part of the group left who needed to get there by own transport, and we shared the rear seat. Arriving at the crem. I could feel the atmosphere change and knew what was happening for my sister.

My sister is the mother whose son was killed by a hit-and-run driver last September - my nephew, Carl. I was going to write that this was the first funeral she'd been to since Carl's death, but that seems crass, and you know what I mean. The poor woman was in tears almost from the start. I persuaded her to sit between Mr T and I and held her throughout the service as she sobbed.

Afterwards, my sister went back to being with our mum, and everyone held each other in turn, then we all stood in a semi-circle outside in the rain and 'viewed the flowers.'

Auntie Moreen, as I do, took the Woman's Weekly magazine every week and we would compare views about the stories, which are excellent, etc. This week she didn't miss out on her mag. she could enjoy it, together with her flowers as I placed one there for her.

We all agreed, as I remarked later, she would've put one there for me, if it had been the other way around.

Apart from mum and my sister, I do get on very well with the rest of my family, and some of us are quite close, thank goodness. I feel this is an affirmation for me - that I am okay, and not the monster that my mum and my sister think I am. Despite the very sad occasion, I was able to feel an emotional distancing from them, as well as the physical distance we have by living so far away.

This is a very necessary survival system for me as, when doing the long 'history' of my back problems with the chiropractor I noted that most of the episodes with my back (which can be very protracted) are connected with emotional trauma around my relationships with either or both my mum and my sister. Spooky, I know. But, I have tracked this recent 'episode' to a date when I was allowed to speak to my sister (after being banned from doing so by her and my mum following Carl's death.)

I was beginning to feel a deal better by Xmas, when there was 'trauma' for me around my mum and bingo! back I was in agony with my back.

Now, I'm not saying that all my back problems stem from shitty relationships with my mum or my sister, that would be silly and, well, childish, but there is a certain psychosomatic concurrence with them.

I say I felt the distance from them, and that this is necessary - I am determined that I shall continue to keep that distance, for my sake and for my own family.