Whinge Day Tuesday & Baby Blues

Apologies, this post will not be intriguing or spit your tea out funny, but may be informative.

My blog is for my private thoughts, whinges and rants. There are only a very special handful of people who actually know me in ‘real’ life, who know about this blog. This is because not only do they know me, but they love me despite that. (Translated into = I know I am being selfish.)

I have a hundred things to do today; this week in fact. But I can settle to none of them. I have hoovered through, checked my eB@y a lot and fannied about tidying my desk.

Our new grand-daughter will be born next Monday, by caesarean. A time of thrilled excitement, yes. And worry, too.

Mr T is having terrible back pain. He can’t sleep, can’t concentrate, and can’t do anything At All without being a grumpy git. I have back pain and lots of aching limbs, well four to be precise. Mr T is due to see the physiotherapist, who should be referring him for an MRI scan and to a consultant; and he’s paying a fortune (that he begrudges) to a chiropractor. My bad back has been with me since early teens and no more can be done.

However, a return to the main characters - our daughter, CW and our new baby grand-daughter.

CW is a beautiful, headstrong, vibrant woman who is desperate for another child. CW has, unfortunately, had three losses as previously mentioned in these posts.

Last July she had an ectopic pregnancy, which scared the living shit out of me, in case we might lose her. I’m afraid I lost sight of the baby she lost as I was so scared for her. At this time there was a fellow student who had lost his entire novel writing work, and there was lots of support and commiserations online for him. I wanted to strangle him, and shouted Fuck The Fuck Off! to the computer. I planted a little garden in honour of our loss.

After this, it was suggested that she wait three months before becoming pregnant again, and lo and behold, just before the three months was up she found out that she was indeed pregnant. Instead of being overjoyed, however, I just felt so angry.

Angry that she'd not waited the prescribed three months Before getting pregnant and, at what on earth was going to happen next; which I have no right to be at all as she is nearly 30 years old. Each of her three losses were unique, one in so many millions; no rhyme or reason why any or all of them should have happened to her; and certainly nothing to do with anything she had or hadn’t done. Just fucking nature doing its bit.

I know, that I cannot know, how it is for someone who's lost a child. But, I am a mother, CW's mother, and I would do it all for her, if I could. I love her and I'm scared.

It has been an awfully worrying time for her, coupled with the excitement. Which was exacerbated when she developed SPD – Symphasis Pubis Dysfunction* Ordinarily, the pelvis softens and widens in readiness for the birth, but with SPD it distorts and is extremely painful. She has had to use crutches when walking, cannot sit, lay or stand for long, cannot drive or use the toilet or bathe unaided, as she cannot open her knees more than 14cm.

CW did the most sensible thing she could think of and wrote me a letter, telling me how much she valued our friendship – which has always been so wonderful for her and me. She also outlined how worried she was about the baby and how unsupported she felt I was being.

I had found it difficult to get excited, until at least the second scan. Of course, physically, I was as supportive as ever, but not emotionally. I couldn’t let myself believe that, this time; it was actually going to happen. Until, last week, when visiting the consultant, who agreed to perform a caesarean section – next week, on 11 June.

Now, I am eagerly awaiting Ellie-May’s birth. But, I am so scared.

*SPD – info can be found here;

http://www.pelvicpartnership.org.uk