Saturday, 4 October 2008

Damn Back Dog

I want to write 'funny' or informative, deep even, with pictures. But, it's difficult as the back is not feeling good and the black dog again approaches. I can feel the depression setting in. This does have something to do with the time of year as well, but the back just doesn't help it.

I've been awake again, in the night, worrying. I'm not sure how long I can keep up with my current work of housekeeper. I finally came to the conclusion, last week, that I simply cannot do the job alone. This is the first time I had to do this without the help of Mr T or our daughter, and it was a wake-up call, really. Now, in my main job I'm really just paid a retainer to be there 'as and when' and this seems to work okay. But, my second job, the one I really like best - and get on exceptionally well with the owners - is the hard one. We were talking about my taking over all the bookings as well as the general running of things, which would be brill for me. It's just the cleaning of the changeovers that I struggle so much with. Though, one option could be that I get paid help to deal with this, if/when Mr T or our daughter are unable to be there. I'll think about that one.

The other big worry is that if my back is getting worse, or I'm falling into the realms of last winter's episode, then I just don't think I can take things as they were then. We are going to have to move into one of the spare bedrooms, that is next to the bathroom. Our house has a strange layout - downstairs there are two rooms with, on the outside, a large shed either side. Upstairs has three bedrooms and bathroom, set above the two rooms + sheds - our bedroom the largest and one we are most comfortable in is at the opposite end to the bathroom. Bloody, bloody long walk when in agony.

If we can't live in this, our tied house, then we'd have to move from here and our jobs. Now, we could manage financially, but I've always worked and always intended to until well past retirement. Ooh, you can see the whirly-gig of my mind in the night, can't you?

Added to this, because I am worried and trying to work it out and not be upset, I feel I'm kind of 'nippy' with people? And, people don't take it. They just say, 'bugger you, then!' and go away. And, I don't want that, so I have to try and be 'up' and 'funny' and just 'okay.'

Well, it's just gone midday. Saturday Kitchen is long finished. I'll go and get dressed.

Don't worry, this is just wallowing in self pity and working 'stuff' out. Thank goodness, this is all I have to worry about. My family are all well, Mr T has been painting windows for me this week - he must love me as he just hates painting!


Shirley said...

I've not heard it called "black dog" before but that seems an apt description. I think of mine as a black hole just waiting to swallow me up. As long as I take my pill every day, the hole stays behind me where it's harmless. But if I forget for a couple of days, it's just as you describe -- "nippy" with others and a huge effort to be "up."

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Whether or not we ever meet, you have a friend in America who understands exactly and is rooting for you.

tea and cake said...

Thank you, shirley, and welcome. I think it was Winston Churchill who first coined the phrase, but black dog or black hole are both very apt. Thank goodness for 'little pills' eh?
And, I'm finding out, friends - even those we haven't met yet - can be so supportive. Thanks again for stopping by, Karen xx

Papoosue said...

Hi Karen, sorry you are feeling this way just now. I can sympathise, I have been having a bad spell over the last week - must be something in the air. Oh, and I get SO nippy too, it's a bummer as they say! Grumble away, it doesn't bother me ;-) xx

tea and cake said...

Thanks, papoosue, and thanks everyone for your lovely comments over my last couple of posts. Woe is me!
We had to go out in the car this morning, and Mr T dropped me off up the road, so that I could have a walk on the flat!

Vanessa said...

Ey up Karen,

Sorry to hear your feeling so down at the moment, I can not imagine how your feeling so I won't try, but keep thinking of the positives in your life and the other stuff will work itself out.

Take comfort in the things you enjoy like cooking, sewing, knitting and your family.

Keep smiling

Vanessa x

tea and cake said...

thank you so much, vanessa, for you're very kind comment. As a 93 year old woman just said to me a couple of months ago, while leaning on her stick, after a fall 'Oh, I've never taken care in my life before!'
But, you are right, my family are very important . . . and so is my knitting, sewing, etc! much love, Karen x

Roobeedoo said...

Hello Karen, thanks for you kind words over on my blog. Sorry to hear you are feeling low. I think you are right to think through what you would do if you had to give up your current job, especially re the tied house. My parents lived in a tied house and when my father had a stroke we were out on our ear. But in those days the council were quick to re-house us. I don't know if that happens nowadays. Maybe its worth finding out, so at least you know what to do if you need help quickly. But I do hope you get your groove back... and knitting is a wonderful mood-enhancinng drug!

Tracy said...

Hi, Karen! I like how you keep it real here...But I am very sorry your are hurting and worrying. Would you be able to contiune your current work if you had someone to help you? I do sympathize with you...back pain is hard to live. I get pain myself from time to time, though I'm sure it's not as chronic as your own conidtion. Have you tried mindfulness healing? Crafting is always a great support too ;o) I hope you find ways to boost your spirits while you're hanging in there. Thinking of you and sending ((HUGS)) :o)

Dusty Spider said...

If you can do the bookings but leave the heavy work to someone else that sounds like a solution. We need to talk. Big Hugs Flick xx

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Poor you. Hope the worries, aches and pains are sorting themselves out. Getting someone else to help with the heavy stuff does sound a good idea. M xx

tea and cake said...

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. I realised today that I am feeling better. Mr T says it's because I've got 'my head round it.' I think he's probably right. And, just re-arranging stuff so that it can carry on, just differently. lotsaluv, Karen xxx